Coffee Date.

My semester ended on Monday night. Weights are slowly lifted off my shoulders, this week I've been able to take a breath and slow down.

What better time for a coffee date?

Why don't you come into my freshly cleaned house.

It hasn't seen this deep clean since before lent, so lets enjoy it.

I could make you one of the 5 kinds of kcups that we've been slowly collecting. Or some tea? I gots lotsa that too!

Whats going on with me?

Semester ending, and my vacation starts today.

My husband turns 30 today...crazy. Lots of celebration over the next couple of days, and I can't even wait!

I am currently 31 (or is it 32?) weeks. Squirmy but overall chilled out baby. I can't wait to meet her, but am also savoring these last few weeks of her on the inside. The last couple of weeks that I'll be able to feel the rolling and stretching of another human being inside me.

Labor anxiety is on the rise, but really just trying to enjoy the small moments. even at 3 in the morning when it takes 5 minutes of pumping myself up just to flip over in bed.

I could also tell you about my diabetes. How I'm on the verge of starting to take insulin, thereby making me officially "high risk" and having to inject myself each night.

I did this last time, its not really that big of a deal...but I've gotten this far. and pretty easily as my numbers have been easy to control...except for the last week or so.

I can tell I'm getting more pregnant.

I could show you my mile long to do list, and how I haven't really even thought about what our house will look like with a newborn. Where she will sleep, how much our regular schedule will change. What Sundays will look like for me or Luke.

All stuff to concentrate on now that school is over.

I could tell you about how L still doesn't have a job. The hearings when his unemployment was appealed, how wonderful it was when we got that letter in yesterday's mail that he had one. There is still another chance for an appeal, but for now we have to be "ok" with being cautiously excited.

I also could tell you about when he talks about going back to school. To hear him talk with passion about saving ecosystems and becoming a doctor to save animals and to save the whole ocean.
How excited when he got that email last night.

How our whole life right now is a "cautious excitement." How maybe, just maybe, it is falling into place.

How, I truly believe, and through prayer we've both had a strange calm about this whole situation.

For now, we have some celebration to do, and then heading to the beach for some last time away before this little one makes her appearance in less than 2 months.

And a vacation fells like exactly what my little family needs.

And how about you? How's life, my friend?

Post-poned.

 

It has been a while.

Probably too long.

Lots has happened in my life.

Like the fact that I'm 29 weeks pregnant.

I didn't mean to stay away from this space that long.

and to be honest I've written a million From Here to Maternity posts in my head.

they just never made it here.

But here I am posting and getting back into it.

I started this blog during my first pregnancy, wanting to capture and remember each small moment.

This is our third, likely last, kiddo.

And I have tried so hard to intentionally remember each small kick.

Each growing pain.

each feeling of restlessness waiting for this addition to our family.

each time the girls ask questions

or tell me how they will help take care of their "Baby Noodle"

"I want to help put her to sleep. and to feed her. and to give her a kiss."

be still me heart.

 

I also haven't picked up my camera in far to long.

just to capture the every day.

To grab those normal days.

It came out for the holidays, for the vacation...

But yesterday at the park it came out for a Wednesday adventure.

 

I get too caught up in work.

in school.

in the next thing I have to do.

 

But I am struggling.

and trying my hardest to be more intentional.

In all aspects of life.

 

And so I will be here more often.

capturing this moment in life. 

this one fleeting moment that I want to remember more than anything.

the growing of a new life.

 

My kids teach me a lot each day.

most of all that each moment can be absolutely amazing.

That play and love is really the most important thing we can do.

And also that there is always time to twirl and dance....

  

Life is ever changing
But I will always have a constant and comfort in your love
With your heart my soul is found
And as we dance I know that heaven can be found

Well you set my life a whirling
Darlin' when you're twirling on the floor
And who cares about tomorrow
What more is tomorrow than another day

And you swept me away
Yeah you swept me away 

Mom guilt.

This morning was one of those mornings.

Ella wasn't listening, and for the hour or so she was up before we left the house she was in time out probably 3-4 times.

I yelled.

A lot.

So frustrated. 

as I was yelling I could stand back from myself, watch my angry words as they hit her and her face melted into a cry.

but I couldn't control the frustration I felt.

I apologized for yelling,

asked her to apologize for the reason she was in time out.

my three year old said, "I just can't yet, mama."

cue broken heart.

I hurt her, and she recognized that emotion.

We talked it out a bit, more apologizing from me...

but holy cow.

The whole way to the sitter I was on the verge of tears as she sat quietly looking out the window.

eventually she started talking to Phie. Most her regular self.

as I was getting her out of the car we talked about it a little more.

I said "I love you." she said her usual, "I love you back"

We held hands a little tighter as we walked up the path to the door and I knew that it was all ok again.

but is it?

I know as a parent I'm not expected (or able) to be perfect, but my heart breaks when I hurt her.

Guilt is eating me this morning, wondering if she'll have forgotten by the time I pick her up at 5.

How am I supposed to handle the guilt of ugly feelings like frustration and anger?

How can I learn to not hurt my kids' feelings?

Guilt is natural part of parenting I think..I just didn't expect to feel it this suddenly.

my girl is strong. I know she can handle it, and recognizing feelings is such an important thing to learn. I take comfort in that.

and learn to deal with the guilt. Learn to control my emotions in the same way we are trying to instill this virtue with the girls too.

It is almost as if parenting and learning are a two way street. Who knew?

in my head.

there is a lot going on. my head is full. bouncing from one thing to another.

and so hang on, friends. here is where I am at this moment in time.

1. 13.1

this weekend is my second half marathon. I. am. terrified. I have more confidence as it is the second one, but I also know what to expect which makes it a little more scary. The hurting, the mental exhaustion, it is all coming.

This time I feel much more trained. I followed my plan a whole lot closer, but only ran 10 at my highest (last time I did 14...). I'm praying that my preparation will carry me through.

I hear lots of things about the Baltimore course, some say hilly. 

I have three goals. first to finish (always my most important), two to PR, and three to do it in under 3 hours. these are in descending order of importance, but wouldn't it be awesome to hit all three?

I've been reading my favorite running blogs like crazy, drawing from their intensity, passion and motivation during this racing season.

2. I really hate racing.

I am really not fast. and that is most definitely not why I run.

However, when it comes to racing I get so caught up in the timing chip.

it drives me crazy. 

but the medal is worth it in the end.

3. I'm tired.

the littlest is sick. she was up from 2:22. a.m. last night on. 

no sleeping after this.

by 6:30 she was so tired, in ear pain, and inconsolable.

it was terrible.

also forced the whole house up (Ella slept through some of it).

being tired messes me up for days.

makes me nervous for being well rested in the next coming days.

but poor girl now has antibiotics and hopefully will be healthy for our weekend adventures.

4. This weekend will be the busiest weekend.

possibly ever.

5. School

I have not worked our the balance yet. Internship is crazy. Lots to do. School gets left out often when I'm not surrounded by others doing school work. I don't know how commuters do it for the whole time. I really really (really) need to work on my independent study. Those deadlines are going to sneak up on me. fast.

6. friends

I have lived the past 9 years of my life in very close community with my friends. friends who are my support and my age. 

I now live practically in the middle of no where.

while I had a thought this could become isolating, it snuck up on me.

I miss my friends. thursday nights, monday nights. having time set aside to just be with people.

I have to work harder on this one. It is vital to my self-care.

7. Disappointment

My husband calls it my "obsessive personality." When I set my mind on something I do whatever it takes to get it. But there are some things I have no control over. I want it now, but it just doesn't come.

I'm working so hard on being patient, praying, and knowing it will happen whenever it is meant to.

I can't control everything.

8. Ministry

seeing ministry in action, and being right in the thick of is is exhausting and exhilarating all at the very same time! I can't wait to see how things unfold. I have millions of ideas, and am learning the process to weed out the ones not worth it, or ones to put in my back pocket.

but either way, that which is happening is beautiful.

because of the time of year, the changing of seasons, my head seems to be constantly spinning. Throwing ideas around, working things out, processing.

and there is no settling in sight.

"and the world spins madly on..."

wherein I discuss endurance and patience. (or lack thereof)

The other day I heard on NPR about a study in which it was discovered that those who concquer the ability to wait for long term results are the ones who are successful in life.

my first thought: well, I'm screwed.

I'm not good at patience. At all.

I try. 

and I'm not talking about patience like a 3 year old waiting for their turn on the slide. That I can do.

I'm actually really good at waiting in lines.

Its the waited for things.

saving up money. waiting to see what happens. waiting to lose a couple of pounds.

I'm pretty instantanious. and if I want something, usually it consumes my mind until I get it.

ask my husband. it is something that drives him crazy about me.

so am I doomed to be Unsuccessful in my life?

and then there is endurance. 

Also something I lack.

and I think it goes hand in hand with patience, just in a different way. 

but both kind of involve waiting.

I am currently training for my second half marathon.

it is now less than 2 weeks away.

yesterday I ran 10 miles..and that is fine as the longest run I do.

Next week 8 as my taper, and then the race.

and here's the thing. I bang out the long runs fine.

but it starting thursday morning the nerves consume my mind.

I just want to get out and do it so that I am done for one more week until the next long run comes.

waiting until saturday morning is like torture.

and Saturday comes and I'm fine. 

I get through it.

but I have to tell you (and I don't think this is uncommon), until I hit 8 miles, I almost constantly think about how I can stop (when peter sagal or dimity and sarah are not distracting me with witty humor..)

So I'm not real great at endurance either.

and while I do finally consider myself a runner, I am most definitely without a doubt a weekend warrior.

if I'm honest I don't run much during the week. 

and I'm sure if I did I would do so much better and enjoy the saturdays a whole lot more.

and so these are flaws.

Ones that picked out easily and thought about often yesterday as I was pounding the trail.

so how to work on these?

don't know.

But recognizing them seems to be a good start.

and in two weeks I'll have a whole 13.1 miles to try and sort them out :)

Coffee Date.

Its been a while. Lets have a coffee date. My Place?

If you came over for coffee, I'd invite you in to my new-to-us old farmhouse.

I'd tell you how much I love the colors that were picked out for the walls, how I love the old wood floors and how we are quickly learning where the "squeaks" are.

I'd also tell you about how I'm terrified about the inevidable rodents that will run inside at the first feel of cold. How much they freak me out, and how, while I love the character old houses have, someday I want a brand new house. Mouse free.

But for now I'm enjoying our home built over 130 years ago...mice and all.

I'd tell you, over our steaming mugs of delishious caffeine about how much I am loving internship. The freedom to read what I like (for the most part), the invigorating feel of being in "real life" ministry. The amazing people I've met. 

I could even tell you about the woman on hospice, youngest of 17 children and has a twin sister.

About how her faith shines through her pain, and even though she has lost her hair from chemo treatments, she is still one of the most beautiful women I've ever met.

I could tell you about my conversation that really brought things into perspective yesterday with a woman whose cancer-ridden daughter will die in the next two weeks.

But she says, "why do we have faith if we can't lean on it."

Then I'd refill your mug.

And I could tell you all about how the little ones are growing.

How I am starting to catch glimpses into their sister-friend relationship.

How one minute one is instigating the other, and they are bff's in the next breath.

I could tell you how much fun it is to see them grow with one another.

I could also tell you countless stories of Shy Ella wanting the comfort of her outgoing little sis, Phie.

"Ella, someday you'll get on that yellow school bus and go to school!"

"Phie go with me? I'll go if Phie goes too."

We could also talk about how excited I am for my oldest sister to tie the knot on Friday.

Big beautiful, lavish New York wedding.

Seeing my family, all together, all happy.

I am beyond excited.

but enough about me. 

How are you?

On My Kindle: The Orchard

I've been reading lately. A lot actually.

finding time early in the morning, during naps, late into the night.

grasping those quiet moments where technology isn't involved (ok, my kindle, but thats different, right?)

I got caught up in a few toss away paperback type books.

But I was really craving a good, get-you-into-it, can't-put-it-down type of book.

I found The Orchard while browsing through target. it was their "book club" book.

And I'm always a sucker for book clubs.

be them big name box store book clubs, famous television personality book clubs or the good old fashion a couple of women sitting around on a saturday morning book club.

So I thought I'd give it a try. The back summary looked interesting enough.

I got a chapter in and i was hooked.

WOW.

I think it hit home because of living in the middle of apple country, and the whole environmental aspect of it really got to me as well.

and the fact that it is a memoir just makes it that much more personal.

The author says at one point that she didn't use her name throughout the book on purpose, because she wanted this story to be every farmer's story. 

While I'm not, and have never been, a farmer, I still felt everything that she felt. I saw the beauty of creation the way she saw it and I think I've been around the raw earth enough to understand it.

Her story was incredible. She made me smell all of the smells she smelled. Feel all of the feelings for this beautiful golden curly haired farmer. Understand how her past family connections affected her current situations while living on the farm.

Environmentally I was astounded at what these farmers go through. And what their families go through. The disconnect between making living and trying to survive. The pressure they feel and how connected to one place they are.

I wished she kept the detail up throughout the whole book, but I think the ending was too painful and she understandably lightened up on the details, but I was definitely wanting some more.

Such a great read as the apples are starting to appear in the grocery store and the crisp fall air is coming.

I'm now at a loss for another book, but not sure that the next will live up to The Orchard.