Thursday, October 25, 2012

Mom guilt.

This morning was one of those mornings.
Ella wasn't listening, and for the hour or so she was up before we left the house she was in time out probably 3-4 times.
I yelled.
A lot.

So frustrated. 
as I was yelling I could stand back from myself, watch my angry words as they hit her and her face melted into a cry.
but I couldn't control the frustration I felt.

I apologized for yelling,
asked her to apologize for the reason she was in time out.

my three year old said, "I just can't yet, mama."

cue broken heart.

I hurt her, and she recognized that emotion.
We talked it out a bit, more apologizing from me...
but holy cow.

The whole way to the sitter I was on the verge of tears as she sat quietly looking out the window.

eventually she started talking to Phie. Most her regular self.

as I was getting her out of the car we talked about it a little more.

I said "I love you." she said her usual, "I love you back"
We held hands a little tighter as we walked up the path to the door and I knew that it was all ok again.

but is it?
I know as a parent I'm not expected (or able) to be perfect, but my heart breaks when I hurt her.
Guilt is eating me this morning, wondering if she'll have forgotten by the time I pick her up at 5.

How am I supposed to handle the guilt of ugly feelings like frustration and anger?
How can I learn to not hurt my kids' feelings?

Guilt is natural part of parenting I think..I just didn't expect to feel it this suddenly.

my girl is strong. I know she can handle it, and recognizing feelings is such an important thing to learn. I take comfort in that.

and learn to deal with the guilt. Learn to control my emotions in the same way we are trying to instill this virtue with the girls too.

It is almost as if parenting and learning are a two way street. Who knew?

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