in my head.

there is a lot going on. my head is full. bouncing from one thing to another.

and so hang on, friends. here is where I am at this moment in time.

1. 13.1

this weekend is my second half marathon. I. am. terrified. I have more confidence as it is the second one, but I also know what to expect which makes it a little more scary. The hurting, the mental exhaustion, it is all coming.

This time I feel much more trained. I followed my plan a whole lot closer, but only ran 10 at my highest (last time I did 14...). I'm praying that my preparation will carry me through.

I hear lots of things about the Baltimore course, some say hilly. 

I have three goals. first to finish (always my most important), two to PR, and three to do it in under 3 hours. these are in descending order of importance, but wouldn't it be awesome to hit all three?

I've been reading my favorite running blogs like crazy, drawing from their intensity, passion and motivation during this racing season.

2. I really hate racing.

I am really not fast. and that is most definitely not why I run.

However, when it comes to racing I get so caught up in the timing chip.

it drives me crazy. 

but the medal is worth it in the end.

3. I'm tired.

the littlest is sick. she was up from 2:22. a.m. last night on. 

no sleeping after this.

by 6:30 she was so tired, in ear pain, and inconsolable.

it was terrible.

also forced the whole house up (Ella slept through some of it).

being tired messes me up for days.

makes me nervous for being well rested in the next coming days.

but poor girl now has antibiotics and hopefully will be healthy for our weekend adventures.

4. This weekend will be the busiest weekend.

possibly ever.

5. School

I have not worked our the balance yet. Internship is crazy. Lots to do. School gets left out often when I'm not surrounded by others doing school work. I don't know how commuters do it for the whole time. I really really (really) need to work on my independent study. Those deadlines are going to sneak up on me. fast.

6. friends

I have lived the past 9 years of my life in very close community with my friends. friends who are my support and my age. 

I now live practically in the middle of no where.

while I had a thought this could become isolating, it snuck up on me.

I miss my friends. thursday nights, monday nights. having time set aside to just be with people.

I have to work harder on this one. It is vital to my self-care.

7. Disappointment

My husband calls it my "obsessive personality." When I set my mind on something I do whatever it takes to get it. But there are some things I have no control over. I want it now, but it just doesn't come.

I'm working so hard on being patient, praying, and knowing it will happen whenever it is meant to.

I can't control everything.

8. Ministry

seeing ministry in action, and being right in the thick of is is exhausting and exhilarating all at the very same time! I can't wait to see how things unfold. I have millions of ideas, and am learning the process to weed out the ones not worth it, or ones to put in my back pocket.

but either way, that which is happening is beautiful.

because of the time of year, the changing of seasons, my head seems to be constantly spinning. Throwing ideas around, working things out, processing.

and there is no settling in sight.

"and the world spins madly on..."