Last week, and the last week of my winter break was spent the best way possible-with lots of friends! Ella and I made the rounds hanging out with The Berkebiles three whole times! It was so great to have calming talks about babies, crafting, and life before my life is drown in books and theology. Don't get me wrong-I love that stuff, thrive on it. but it was nice that just for one more week I could enjoy JUST being a mom.
This week starts the semester. I have a two day workshop on human relations, in which my WONDERFUL sister is coming from pittsburgh to babysit.
Classes start Thursday-and here is the hard part. EM is going to go to childcare. Not, oh, someone comes over to watch her while I'm in class (believe, I've searched HIGH and LOW for THAT!), but is going to go to real life, other kids, lots of stimuli and germs YWCA childcare. I am terrified, worried, and so sad. It brings me to tears thinking about my little baby going to be with so many others. I know she'll be well cared for, but she's just so LITTLE! I hate thinking about leaving her with strangers. But it's just what needs to be done.
It is the first time I'm really going to have to let go.
And it is only the beginning.
Last night, she was having a little trouble going to sleep. Her tummy was bothering her, and she just wanted something-anything-to make her feel better.
I went in and scooped her up, held her and walked around the nursery shh-ing and humming just to get her to calm down. She eventually did, and just snuggled into my neck. Her arms were wrapped around my neck, and her breathing slowed. Then I felt, on my chin, her little eyelashes fluttering. Butterfly kisses. I realized that I'm not going to be just a mom after this week. I'm going to be a full time grad student who has a kid in childcare.
Then I cried.