from here to maternity

...

2012-02-01T21:33:00.000-05:00

I had a whole post in my head. A happy post about birthday party prep, the start of a fresh semester making things look less stressful than they are with pretty pictures in natural light and things that make me smile.

I had this whole post written in my head, I had everything planned. and then today happened.

I had class. Fine. (not the most engaging and I catch up on a whole lotta pinterest, but thats a story for another time.)

I needed somethings from Walmart, and we were out of kid milk (again..) so I had to take the girls out for a couple of errands.

We get to walmart where Ella is completely devestated to find out that it was not in fact "moo mart with clarabelle" from the mickey mouse clubhouse as she previously thought on the whole ride over. And then the cart came out, and Phie went in, and that was where Ella wanted to help push, etc. By the time we passed the Valentine candy display she was in a complete meltdown. There was shrieking and stomping. By the time we got back to the baby section she was doing what could only be described as "knee walking" and still yelling at the top of her lungs. I, of course, walked 10 feet in front of her, hoping to entice her to get on her feet so that she will not be left behind.

I got the sympathetic looks from knowing mothers, as that is the only ones who seem to populate MooMart at 10:53 am on a Wednesday morning.

We continued through the store. Me and Phie with the cart, Ella knee walking her way past each aisle still screaming so hard I could see her uvula.

16 minutes later I had all that I needed in my cart and we checked out as fast as possible. At this point I had her on my hip, the diaper bag on my other shoulder and guiding the cart with Phie with the other hand. I have sweat dripping down my neck (because a 26 pound toddler, a sweater, a 10 pound diaper bag and all of that frustration/embarassment will do that to you.), and I loaded everyting and everyone in the car as fast as humanly possible.

I just wanted to be home.

But we were out of milk.

So Kennie's was a must. Awesome.

The first problem here came when we stepped out of the car.

It is a tad windy, and I have a toddler with a completely irrational (and out of the blue!) fear of wind. "It blows my hai way (hair away)"

"No Ella, how old is Auntie Piggie? SO old. and she still has hair! All the wind she has seen and none of it has blown away"

More screaming, crying, and trying to wriggle out of my hand in the crowded parking lot in hopes of getting somewhere there is no wind.

"No Ella, It won't blow your hair away. Its just the holy spirit"

more crying, more screaming. more wriggling.

So we get inside.
This time she doesn't want a cart at all.

"We have to get a cart Ella. Do you want the car cart?"
"No"
"ok, then we're get this little one. We only need one thing"

And more uvula screaming.

AGAIN with the knee walking.
More sympathetic and knowing glances.

all the way through Kennie's market.
All I heard was my toddler screaming bloody murder.
I was pretty sure that is all anyone could here.

Constant.

screaming.

knee walking.

finally I got the milk, and grabbed some not so healthy stuff for lunch because at this point I had withheld almost 50 minutes of constant screaming and fighting.

but we got it. everything we needed. We were heading to the checkout. I grabbed her under my arm. The screaming got louder, but we were making a break for it.

I was within 10 feet of the checkout with my two littles, and 3 items.

when I was intercepted.
A man with a plastic shopping basket filled with cheese from the deli and a pint of milk and a loaf of white processed bread.

and here is the direct quote.

"You should really get that child out of here. She's really ruining this for everyone in the store. What she really needs is a swift hit on the ass."

I stood and blinked at him. stunned. half smiled that "i'm sorry I'm trying" smile and walked on as he stomped off in a huff.

Ella was quiet. She just looked at him as he walked away and then at me.

I stood shocked. and then headed to the checkout and proceeded to check out while I was trying to process what he said.

really?
I'm sorry for ruining your and every other person in the store's "shopping experience." I'm sorry that my child is screaming her head off. I'm sorry that I tried will all of my will power to not give in to her tantrum and to not get angry and to keep my voice calm THE WHOLE time she was doing this.

Did he think I LIKED having to listen to my kid exert her power struggle through two stores?
Did he think that I wasn't trying?
Embarassed?
Frustrated?
Have ears that were practically bleeding after what was now an hour?

We came home. ate unhealthy lunch. and then proceeded to NOT nap all afternoon and continue tantrum after tantrum. Screaming. Crying. Frustrated.

But that was my day. It can't be changed.

After they went to bed I took a shower to wash off the day. Read 40 pages for class and worked on the 3 pages of writing that are due by noon tomorrow.

I had a whole post written. A happy post that tied up my current life into a happy package.
But that's not how my current day to day is. It is hard. It is messy. It is sweaty, and tear filled, and a constant power struggle with one who does not understand her feelings or emotions.

That is my day to day.
Yes, I did ruin some patrons shopping experiences today, but I was doing the best I could at that very moment in time. And to me, that's what truly counts in the end.

Maybe tomorrow can be a happy post. But today, today is messy and today is life.

lately.

2012-01-24T09:08:00.000-05:00

Lately we've been working on settling back in.

getting back into a routine after two weeks apart, away, and all of the sickness.

Most of us are healthy now, and so its time to settle in.

Hunker down for winter.

Along with settling back in come naptime fights, power struggles and crying.

It is not my favorite time.

But this little girl is not so little anymore.

I see her grow every single day.

and it amazes me.

She is so strong willed and independant.

and though I don't love the fights that come along with this personality, I love to see her bloom into what is certain to be a strong woman.

So we watch the snow fall. we drink mugs of hot cocoa, we color a LOT

and we settle into a routine of home. a routine of winter.

*********************************************

Also lately I'm lovin' on some smoothies.

We're in day two of detox. We'll see how much longer I can hold on...today and one more.

just..one..more.....

reset.

2012-01-21T13:24:00.004-05:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about resetting.

The holidays came and went. The race and vacation came and went. Now classes start next week, and a hard, tough semester of classes, internship matching, paper writing, planning for next year, running another race, leading chapel and you know, continuing to raise a one year old and a two year old all stand in front of me.

and I'm tired.

I feel a little out of control.

and there hasn't been THAT much time to breathe during my winter "break."

Often you hear about mamas who don't take time for themselves. They put all that they have into their families and lose themselves and who they are in the process. I try not to do this. While I do put everything I can into my beautiful little family, it is important to me that I not lose my sense of self (and I am constantly reminded of not losing my self in my home or career as we often talk about self care in my classes).
I take time to knit while watching tv after the littles go to bed because it calms me.
I take time to bake homemade bread because I like how it turns out and not eating the processed crap that the market carries.
I take time to run a couple of miles in the morning before the kids get up because it centers me.
I ran a half marathon 2 weeks ago because it was something I have always wanted to do even if it meant giving the kids to luke on saturday mornings for 4 months so I could pound out the miles.

I do things for me. I do things so I don't lose myself.

But there are little things I feel like I can add to reset. To breathe. To recharge my batteries and start new habits that will only help me feel like me even on those days where the little monsters are driving me crazy.

It starts with a three day detox. Planned for next week, starting monday. I may be a little hungry, but all of the fruits and vegetables planned are good for me and will reset my body after the holiday season full of heavy food.

Other little things are planned to help. washing my face before my head hits the pillow. Making sure to run at least three time per week (even though my bed is so warm and the snow is sooo cold). Stocking up my etsy shop again. (even though I don't have much success, it satisfies the entrepreneurial gene I have acquired from my dad). Planning a slightly over the top first birthday party for Phie. Painting my finger and toe nails to feel more girly. Wearing lipstick every once in a while. trying to put together new outfit combinations and start wearing earrings and necklaces again now that Soph is a little older and less likely to grab and pull.

As I think about this list, it is all things I used to do. Things before kids. Things that make me happy, and are just little things that don't even take more time out of my already too busy day.

It is just stuff I have to think about.
I have to plan.
I have to do.

So here is to not losing myself.
here is to finding myself again.
Here is to resetting.

In one year.

2012-01-21T10:13:00.000-05:00

I never thought I would be where I am one year ago.

I have two absolutely beautiful daughters who make me laugh, make me cry and give me strength on a regular basis.

One year ago I was in the midst of the newborn haze. I was emotional and ecstatic, exhausted and scared. We now had two kids.

How would I ever be able to take care of both of them while Luke was at work? Would I ever be able to leave the house alone? Or alone with them? Why is breastfeeding so hard? When will she stop screaming? Does Ella get enough attention?

So much in one year.

we moved. we lived in a one room cabin. we played in the woods. we celebrated a fourth anniversary at the place it happened. we celebrated a second birthday. We spent a couple weeks at the beach. we ran a freaking half marathon!

we lived.

we changed.

we loved.

Two weeks before Christmas I did what, to me, seemed like the epitome of knowing that I would be ok at this parenting thing. I took both girls, by myself, to walmart. The place where all shopping trips seem to be awful, there is a lot of noise. a lot of people. a lot of toys to throw us off track.
But we spent 30 minutes in the big box, and came out not fighting each other. There were some tears, there were some temper tantrums, but we did it. Got what we needed and I made it out with two relatively happy girls.

This, to me, was a huge accomplishment. It proved that two is not too much. it is totally possible.

This has been floating around the internet lately, and I've seen tons of posts in blogland about it. For me it is total truth. It is exactly what I think about often, and it is beautifully written. I have those Kairos moments a lot, and I am ever grateful that I can say that.

It has only been one year, there have definitely been hard moments. hard days.
who am I kidding, hard weeks.

But the kairos moments have gotten us through, and made me so excited for what is coming next.

one year later.

2012-01-20T12:20:00.000-05:00

Sophie turned one this week.

it passed by quietly.

little celebrations happened throughout the day.

like drinking from her mug that got me through her nine month of growing inside me.

and lots of remembering the events of the day starting with the induction..

Daddy came home a little early from work to celebrate with us.

our little family sat down in an empty cupcakery.

four chairs. four people. perfect.

we drank soda from old fashioned glass bottles while sinartra crooned on the stereo.

and took in the 1950s feel.

we each got a mini cupcake to match out tastes.

mama got lemon.

daddy got cookie dough.

Ella got banana chocolate.

and the littlest got a tuxedo.

we sang.

and daddy tried to blow out the candle but Ella beat him to it.

It was (as I think often it is) an emotional day for this mama.

So much has changed in the past year.

and thinking through all that happened a year ago still feels so real.

I can still feel the pain of contractions, the relief of the epidural, the fear of pushing, the complete and utter joy of 6:26 when we met our little phie.

So much has changed in her, and yet we have no real concept of how much she will continue to change in the coming years.

Our future, at this point, is so uncertain.

where we'll be, how we'll get there.

but our little family will follow wherever we end up.

celebrate we did.

Celebrate we will.

happy birthday, Sophia Jane.

New Year.

2012-01-03T21:51:00.000-05:00

New Year's Eve has never been my favorite holiday.

I'm not good at staying up late.

which is really the whole point on this night of celebration.

this year turned our little family of three into a family of four.

So we decided to spend a low key evening counting our blessings, recapping the past year, and looking ahead to all the possibilities that are to come.

so we cooked a nice dinner.

we drank lemonade out of wine glasses.

we lit candles.

we put on some music.

we made it a special night.

we laughed.

sang.

loved.

and then the littles went off to bed. To them it just seems like another night with a special dinner.

Luke and I stayed up.

cuddled on the couch.

watched a movie.

and dozed off....

but woke up at midnight.

we drank champagne from mason jars and toasted to what we experienced in 2011 and we toasted to what is to come in 2012.

We watched the fireworks going off in the square from our bed in our dark bedroom.

Ella woke up so she climbed into bed with us.

The three of us watched the "red, blue, white boom in the sky" until they were over.

I never liked new year's eve.

until, in a darkened room, I watched fireworks light up the face of my 2 year old.

she watched the booms with delight. with wonder.

I watched her face with the same emotions.

2012 will bring us a two and a three years old.

2012 will make Luke and I half marathon runners.

2012 will bring new adventures (and income?) on internship wherever that may be.

I've been seeing "word of the year" floating around the blog world. Instead of making resolutions, the idea is to pick one word that will shape how decisions and the way you experience things this year.

I'm not sure that this is going to work for me any more than resolutions (and admittedly I did make some of those too), but I think I'll give it a try.

My word is STRENGTH.

There are so many unknowns this year. I have no idea what will happen and my faith and hope is high. But with these new experiences and with these adventures I need to remember to be strong. To know that everything happens as it is supposed to happen, and everything makes myself, my family and my relationships stronger.

So here we go 2012. Let's be friends.

xmas.

2011-12-30T16:43:00.000-05:00

December 25th has come and gone.

We spent our days with family and surrounded by love.

One of my resolutions is to be more present in this space.

However, I'm still living into this holiday season.

So to hold you over here are some memories made in the last week...

Merry Christmas to all.

sneaking.

2011-12-13T09:27:00.001-05:00

It is a little thing. but it snuck up on me.

little things that signal that she's growing up.

Two nights ago she ate a chocolate pudding cup getting it only on her mouth. Sister didn't even need a bib.

and again this morning.

bib on just in case the oatmeal misses her mouth.

Blanket that can be thrown into the washer at a moments notice covering her lap as she sits comfortably on the couch with her "omeal"

next thing I know the bowl is empty.

and not one oat out of the bowl or her mouth.

little thing. but so grown up.

maybe it is the season. the nostalgia of it all.

I've been thinking about where she was last year at this time.

barely putting two words together.

attached to pooh like he was her baby.

not interested in opening any presents, just taking it all in.

and look what a year does.

It is an exciting time to see her discovering things. Just like changes of the seasons seem so much more excited when little eyes see them, Christmas is infinately more exciting.

I want to make a thousand more cookies, do Christmas crafts that involve glitter and construction paper, take walks every night to gaze at the light displays.

While its sad to know that she'll never be little again, there are just as many fun things as she grows each day.

The little one is growing too.

I've noticed that I actually finish a lot more cups of coffee that I pour.

And I get showers ~~every~~ almost every day.

It seems that these things sneak up on me suddenly, and this December they are hitting me like a ton of bricks.

But bring it on Christmas. It just keeps getting better.

*********************************

realizing that most professors don't mind my knitting in class has been a life saver at the end of the semester.

not only do I learn more because it keeps me off of pinterest but Christmas presents get finished as well!

************************************

we took a family trip to the wonderful world of Ikea this weekend.

its like a home goods Disney world.

********************************

Happy Tuesday!

memory making.

2011-12-07T20:20:00.000-05:00

Much of my memories from when I was young come from that special time between the end of November and the beginning of January.

The smells.

The Traditions.

The time with family.

It's all there in those magical moments filling the days of those six weeks.

I think my parents worked hard to create that.

They started traditions and kept them as we were growing up.

They even sat us down during those crazy and cranky teen years to read barington bunny every Christmas eve.

We kicked and we protested the whole way.

But they knew we wanted it.

They knew we needed it.

It was tradition.

It is what we remember.

and now here's the thing.

Now it's my turn.

The pressure is on, friends.

We now have to start the traditions.

We have to help form the memories.

I have to admit. It is not always fun.

But it is so worth it for the skipped naps.

The breakdown.

the cranky time.

Just so we can go to that pumpkin patch.

Go see those christmas lights.

make those moments that they will remember.

This is the time they can stay up a little later in order to decorate the tree.

and they can have an extra cookie for dessert.

because it is that time.

the bernstein mug was mine from when I was little.

It was my favorite.

I have often wondered why I have kept it through all of the moving form apartment to apartment.

Its just a mug afterall.

And then Monday morning happened.

her first taste of homemade hot chocolate.

in the mug.

thats what it is all about.

right there.

and advent has been a new daily tradition.

each night at dinner.

we read from the advent star.

open the little door.

and she gets her piece of "hot chocolate"

(I don't think she understands the differently temperatured types of chocolate yet. but don't worry, she'll learn..)

and so once again we reflect on the humongous amount of responsibility parenthood is.

But then after bathtime, and after a little lotion, I button my littlest into a sleeper that is fresh out of the dryer, smell the scent of tide, have memories flood back of the same thing in my childhood

and I know that we're doing ok. and will continue to perfect the art of memory making.

happy wednesday, dear friends.

Last night.

2011-11-20T08:48:00.000-05:00

Last night we stayed out until 10 pm.

Last night I stayed out the latest I have in over TEN months.
and it was 10 o clock.

but MAN did it feel good.

A teen movie with vampires and warewolves. So easy to get caught up in it all.

and then delish italian food with some great friends.

I. Loved. It.

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.

For one night I wasn't just a mom and grad student. I was me again.

But around 8:30 I started itching to get back.
To check on those little warm bodies in their cribs.
To curl up on the couch in comfy clothes.

10 o clock seemed late. and while I used to not even be going out until 10, it was late enough for me.

So thank you, friends who helped me feel like more than a mom for a couple of hours. Thank you for the tears of laughter, and the grown up conversation that did not revolve around nap and nursing schedules or how many time outs happened today. I am forever grateful that I could share by 27th birthday celebration with you.

10 months.

2011-11-17T16:44:00.000-05:00

My Sophia. My wise one.

You came on a Snowy January night, ten months ago today.

We welcomed you into our little family with open arms.

You are a light in our world. You are generous with your smiles.

You are such a little social butterfly.

It doesn't matter who is holding you or playing with you,

You are always happy to be around people.

You have been a great sleeper from the beginning.

(Although the last 2 weeks have been rough, can we go back to sleeping through the night? Please?)

Your sister adores you. She wants to be with you at all times.

When you nap, she constantly asks where you are.

Your grandparents love you so much and come visit often just to see you.

You've also grown into quite the photogenic little one.

You love the camera, and squeal when I pull it out of the case.

Thank you, little one, for the last 10 months.

We can't wait to see what the next 10 thousand months bring.

coming clean.

2011-11-14T10:49:00.000-05:00

Here's the thing.
For the past 6 weeks I've been training.

I didn't want to talk about it.
I've done this before and not finished.

But this time feels different.

So I've told a few people.

And it feels good.

On January 8th, I'm planning to run my first half marathon.

to me, this is a big deal.

My way too in shape husband and I will be running the disney Marathon relay. each 13.1

We run often. We take turns watching the littles. Our saturday mornings are dominated by long runs and our computer history is full of sites for the best shoes, mapmyrun and overcoming the "wall".

what a great adventure we have embarked on.

besides crossing something off of my bucket list, my biggest motivation is to show the girls a healthy mom. I want my kids to see me exercising, to see me stretching my body to its limits, and that is what I want them to remember when they get older.

while this space will still be about our daily happenings with juggling life, you can follow this other part of my life here.

catching up. In picture.

2011-11-14T09:22:00.000-05:00

Unplugging.

2011-10-16T20:01:00.000-04:00

I've been working on it.

Unplugging.

being fully there.

fully in the moment.

I still look at facebook.

maybe more than I should.

But the last few days have been different.

I went running three times.

{it has been over 20 months since I ran two steps}

I loved
   and cuddled
   and sang
   and loved my kids more.

we were silly.

we crawled.

we snuggled up watching disney movies.

and I was present for it all.

"social networking" is simply a part of my life now. and I'm not ~~ready~~ ~~able~~ willing to get rid of it at the moment..

but I am ready to tone it back a little.

and even for a few hours a day be there. with my kids. or my school work. or my husband.

completely unplugged.

i am.

2011-10-13T08:34:00.000-04:00

I am a mama.
I am a mama who stays at home full time.

I am a mama who is a full time graduate student.

I am a mama who sometimes turns on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse for her toddler just to get the infant down for a nap.

I am a mama who makes at least three to do lists per day.

I am a mama who sometimes eats nutella off a spoon.

I am a mama who makes her green smoothies "too spinachy" for other members of her house.

I am a mama who can't contain her need to create.

I am a mama who worries that she is never doing enough.

who silently judged other moms until I became one myself.

who, on the bad days, dreams of how easy seminary could be without kids.

who can't fathom life without my girls.

who is so fiercely in love with my kids that it hurts sometimes.

who thinks it is ok to teach your kids to self-soothe

who thinks breaks, when offered, make me an infinitely better mom.

I am a mama who still thinks its weird that I'm called (and allowed to be a...) mom.

I am a mama who is feeling a little too much like a slave to technology.

I am a mama.

The other day I was going down the line of the things I check online (c'mon, we all do it..), and i was at facebook, when Ella came up and stepped on the cord to my mac, causing it to turn off in the middle.

At first I was angry, and then realized what am I doing?! I'm angry because my kid wants me to pay attention to her and not the machine in front of me?!

That's when I was done with it.
I realized that technology is too big in our house.
There are times when the kids are in bed and Luke and I should be catching up on our day or enjoying the quiet, but instead we are both on computers reading about whatever we pretend is important.

but it's not.
nothing is as important as being together.

While I'm not ready to give up facebook completely, or not look at the new pins my friends have posted, this is my call for me to slow down on it.

Today I'm unplugged. When the kids are awake I'm fully engaged. When the kids are asleep, I'm working on the projects I have started and not yet finished.

So here I am, signing off.

Today I'm only going to be a mama.

Only worry in the world is the tide gonna reach my chair...

2011-10-11T22:22:00.001-04:00

The cure for anything is salt water--

sweat,

tears,

or the sea.

-Isak Dinesen

When you lose yourself...
You find the key to paradise

...Mind on a permanent vacation...
...The ocean is my only medication...
...Wishing my condition ain't ever gonna go away...

On finishing.

2011-10-06T09:54:00.000-04:00

I'm SO good at starting stuff.

I find new craft projects on a daily basis and dream about how I'm going to use it. Sell it. or give it away.

It's the finishing part that I'm not the greatest at.

however, lately I've been really good at it!

{find this here on my etsy site}

I've been a finishing fool.

Maybe it is picking smaller more attainable projects.

but the quilt has been cut and ready to piece since last January.

And now it's done and warming the girl every night.

My life right now has so many open ends.

There is anxiety for internship, for after graduation, even for finishing my reading for tomorrow.

Finishing small things I starts relieves some of that stress and tension.

This sweater is for a sweet little niece and has been a summer project.

Just 6 more rows on one sleeve and adding buttons and this early christmas present is ready to be worn by a little 18 month old. I can't wait.

But there are always projects to be started.

and finished.

Quilts, Clerics and cameras...

2011-10-01T22:56:00.000-04:00

I'm linking up with Lindsay this week for things from my days that make me smile and get me through.

Daddy walks: daddy takes both littles for walks so mama can cook dinner. Or get some reading done. or breath. Its a nice break and an awesome time with them and their daddy.

New Camera Lens and accessories: It has been so much fun playing around with my early birthday present. I took a gazillion pictures this week, and I'm still learning but they're getting better.

Alone time with the littlest: Ella went on a beach adventure with Grammie for the second half of this week which means some quality one on one with this sweet face. be still my heart.

red head? we'll see...

Lots of knitting time: I spent 8 hours of Wednesday in a workshop which meant lots of time with my needles. The cooler weather and changing leaves have revived my yarn love and I've gone a bit crazy. But how stinkin' cute is this candy corn hat??

Autumn Scents: I found this warmer for cheap and so of course bought it with some ginger snap wax bricks. It turns out house into such a pleasant smelling place. It tricks people into thinking that I'm always cooking and brings the season in even if it is still a bit hot and humid outside (like the beginning of this week...)

Nutella: do I have to say more? I'm obsessed...

Pumpkin: Have you heard about the canned pumpkin shortage? apparently there is one. So inspired by my friend Julie , who is making something pumpkin everyday in October, I stocked up when I found a couple of cases at Walmart. While I won't be cooking with this delicious food everyday, I do like to try new things.

Via: This starbucks instant coffee is delicious! though it doesn't beat the real thing, and though it is a little too sweet for my black-coffee-straight-up needs, it is tasty. I'm a little bias for my past employer, but on mornings it is just me and the kiddos, its nice not to have to brew 4 cups for the one that I want to drink.

Cleric: I got my first cleric this week, donated from a fabulous woman. Weird to wear, but feels natural too.

Repurposed into a quilt: While my sweet Ella was adventuring, I took advantage of time with just the little one and got reacquainted with my sewing machine. I've been meaning to do hers for a while, and just made myself get around to it.

I used her old receiving blankets. The ones that we loved so much. The ones that swaddled her for the first six months of her tiny life and made a quilt for her big girl bed. They are semi-pilly and so loved thin, but it just seemed perfect to keep her warm in the coming months.

Pink and brown. Her colors.

Its not perfect, but I find the perfection in the imperfection.

Its a surprise.

I hope she likes it....

what?!

2011-09-29T16:34:00.000-04:00

Oh, Hello, Friends. Happy Thursday.

What?! It's Thursday?

and we haven't blogged all week?

Nooooooooooo....

I has been a long, excellent week full of autumn things, pumpkin baked goods, and family meals.

We'll talk more about fantastic things from this week more tomorrow. But until then, this was a family meal from this week.

It. was. excellent.

from here via pinterest

Spicy Black Bean Stuffed Peppers

(serves 2)

2 small peppers- any kind you’d like ( I used bell peppers)

1/2 medium sized onion, diced

1 clove garlic, minced
1 TBSP olive oil
1, 15 oz can black beans, drained and rinsed
1/4 cup water
2 tsp cumin
2 tsp chili powder
1/2 tsp smoked paprika
1/2 tsp salt
pinch cayenne pepper for a little heat
1/2 cup sweet corn
1/2 cup shredded Colby Jack cheese, or any cheese you like
fresh cilantro, salsa, and sour cream for serving

Preheat oven to 400°F. Cut a slit through the entire length of each of your peppers. Place them on a baking sheet and roast for 15 minutes, until the skins are softened and beginning to blister.
Heat olive oil in a small saucepan set over medium heat. Add your onion and saute for 3 minutes, until beginning to soften and turn translucent.
Add garlic and stir constantly for 30 seconds, until fragrant.
Stir in your black beans along with the water.
Add your cumin, chili powder, paprika, salt, and cayenne. Stir, cover the pot, reduce the heat to low and simmer the beans for at least 15 minutes, but up to 30 minutes.
Stir in corn. Divide the bean mixture evenly among the two peppers and sprinkle with cheese.
Broil for 3 minutes, until the cheese is melted and bubbling. Garnish with fresh cilantro, salsa, and sour cream if you’d like.

It's the little things...

2011-09-24T20:27:00.000-04:00

I'm linking up with Lindsay again this week to show the things that made me smile and got me through this long dreary week.

**It's the puzzle that we play with over and over again...

she piles them up, and puts them back together over and over. she does it for hours. I'm not complaining :)

**It's the ritual of making baby food.

the rhythmic nature of cutting, boiling, pureeing, freezing...

and the excitement of trying new ones.

zucchini

**It's milestones. watching her try so hard to crawl.

almost there.

**It's completely unscripted sister hugs.

**It's learning the rules of peek a boo.

If I can't see you, you can't see me. Of course.

**It's new hair and baby snuggles.

**It's this book. a couple bucks at Target, and now almost every page is covered with "trees," "Pup dogs," "git an git," "mom," "Daddy," "Phie," and "nanpop"

**It's organized planners that tell me where to be and who is with the girls when I'm there.

can't live without it. But this week it was surprisingly (and thankfully) empty in the got to go somewhere department. Lots of reading, lots of girls. But I'll take it.

**It's girly accessories that I can't wait to put up in my shop.

**It's Saturday afternoons when all of my house is napping and I can write my sermon in peace.

happy weekend, friends.

The Next Gen Book Group

2011-09-19T09:10:00.000-04:00

This weekend was fabulous.

We started the tradition to carry on another tradition.

There wasn't a whole lot of book talk.

But there were baby baths in the sink.

And lots of posing of babies...

and giggles...

and snuggles...

and cool fall weather...

and long walks...

it was a lovely way to welcome the new season.

and start something that will hopefully continue well into the future.

and maybe 20 years from now they will be doing the same thing...

9-10-11

2011-09-18T20:21:00.000-04:00

Yesterday this little girl turned eight months old.

and last Saturday, September 10, 2011 we welcomed her into God's family as a child of God through the sacrament of Holy Baptism.

With the congregation of Trinity Lutheran, Camp Hill and 30 of our closest friends and family we put a cross on that girls forehead and promised to raise her among God's Faithful people, to teach her about the trinity and read her scripture.

We promised to nurture her faith, and to care for others and the world God made.

We promised to teach her to trust in God. To proclaim God's word. To work for justice and peace in the world.

We were empowered by the spirit to nuture this little person and to help her to grow up within the community of believers.

how completely awesome is that?

I learn about this regularly in class.

but Holy cow, when it's your own it's such an emotional responsibility.

Let your light so shine before others that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.

After the service we were joined by those 30 people for a fantastic dinner celebration at Herby's El Mexicano.

Celebration it was indeed.

I had so much fun that I forgot to get out the camera.

You are a child of God, Sophia Jane.

and we will forever remember 9-10-11 as your splash day.

It's the little things...

2011-09-16T12:53:00.000-04:00

I'm linking up with Lindsay this week to bring you all of the little things that make me smile.

The weeks have become stressful. With 200+ pages to read each week, I value the little time I get when both happen to be napping. This has become a common occurance...

Feeding the little one while trying to get through some ethics reading. Although I don't tend to smile during these times...stepping back and thinking about how absolutely ridiculous my life is sometimes really does feel like a little thing. In the grand scheme of all of this...these couple of years when I am lucky enough to semi-stay home with the littles, I am thankful that school is able to provide that for me...

Ella was sick this week.

Like really sick.

There was lots of temperature taking. Lots of up-at-nights. Lots of puke.

I'll spare the details.

But in the end a doctors visit was neccessary.

Daddy took her.

So of course there was ice cream after.

That evening, sitting out on the porch and letting her get as messy as she ~~wanted~~ needed to get it was magical.

And then there is this one.

She is working on crawling. She's working hard on crawling.

She can get on all fours, just can't seem to move herself forward.

This happens at least 3 times a day. She backs herself under the couch. and then screams until someone bails her out.

Daddy came home early one night this week. Just for some snuggles.

I've been making a lot of bread this week. Its starting to be soup weather.

Her kitchen is her favorite place. She is always putting things on trays and bringing them to us. I hope this interest in cooking never goes away.

I'm off for the weekend to play in the woods with some fabulous ladies. We're starting the next generation of book group, and I am thrilled to rejuvenate, hang out with the littlest, and drink wine and catch up with some friends. So I'm (mostly) putting the books down and picking up the knitting needles. After the first month of classes this is just what I need.

self-care indeed.

And so starts year 3...

2011-09-07T13:42:00.000-04:00

Classes start today.

Year three of my grad school career.

Full time student. full time stay at home mom.

Quite the juggling act.

I am now officially treading water until December.

So we say sianara to summer...

It was a good one.

and now onto reading...

and papers.

and milestones.

and nap fights.

and theology.

and fisher's net.

and solid foods.

The past couple of days have been gloomy our small corner of the world.

Makes it easier to ease back into the classroom.

But makes me miss this scene all the more.

But as we look ahead to cozy sweaters and boots. Changing leaves. Apple desserts. Football games. and crisp breezes, I think I'm ready.

I'm starting to feel excited to buy mums for the front porch, and stuff myself with apples and caramel dip; spend my Saturday afternoons cheering "we are" for my alma mater.

Yeah. the beach sounds nice. But starting the slow process of winter hibernation sounds great too.

Bring it on year 3.

The house that built me

2011-09-03T09:07:00.000-04:00

"won't take nothing but a memory, from the house that built me"

This weekend marks the 4th year since Luke and I moved to nc. Because of that, it also marks the fourth year since my parents moved out of the house I grew up in. Last weekend I attended the ordination of some friends at my old church. Tis meant going to Middletown. This meant of course going by the old house.

Though maybe twice a year I get to do this, it is always a surreal experience. This time, leaving from the old house to go to church was this amazing overload of familiarity from every Sunday morning when I was younger. Uo fulling mill, past the old fire house, around the curve by the a frame. Past mr. Cooks house and around the curve to the high school. Past the tennis courts where we used to hit "home runs" at the passing cars, and watching the people on the "one mile". By Frey where my great grandma spent her last years and into town. By the keirch, sat at the light by Quido's and turn onto spring street (where I spent the first 6 months of my life).

It's crazy how easy it is to forget this drive, that house, that town. And yet how easy it is to come back to and turn on auto pilot.

It was great to walk into that church and smell the familiar, see what I saw for so long in the church that formed me. It was a bit surreal to see my friends entering into be official leaders of the church in the church that helped me see that I am called to be a leader in the church. It all formed me for 18 years of my life.

912 swatara drive looks different now. Different enough that I don't feel as attached to it. Each time I go and take a pic on my phone to send to my family, but this time I didn't even send it. Its not the same house. Besides the different door, mailbox, and huge olayset in the yard, it's not ours. A new family is making new memories and growing in their way in that house.

I'm sure that it is as beautiful as our time was.

And I'll take nothing but memories.

So long Sweet Summer.

2011-09-02T08:55:00.001-04:00

Our summer is coming to an end.
The sun is going down just a little earlier.
The tea bags used for iced tea are running low.

We've been to lots of BBQs with lots of babies.

The kinds where you pick up the closest tiny human and cuddle them close regardless of DNA and you don't hold your own kid hardly at all.

And that makes my heart sing.

End of summer means, to us, the end of another year of growing with our oldest little.

And new experiences happen.

Like getting some new diamonds in her ears.

She was so good. And she wore a pretty dress which always helps...

And we're in a new living space.

It has been frustrating to pack while living at camp, but being able to spread out has trumped that and I'll take it any day.

New living space means turning old things new again.

Coastal white it is.

End of summer also brings early morning thunderstorms.

Babies watching in their pjs.

From our new front porch!

One of my favorite things I've seen this summer is the older one grow.

She spent her summer with skinned knees playing in the woods.
I think every little girl should experience this.

She grew and played and I had the privilege of watching it all.

She's 2 now.
2?

When did this happen??

Her favorite pastime at our new place is picking "Mates from Gard" (tomatoes from the garden)

And so many people came to celebrate this special little girl with us. And although Irene kept all 24 of us inside for a majority of it...

We still celebrated this little girl like crazy.

And now on to the third year.

With whatever crazyiness
whatever adventures
whatever tears
whatever smiles

whatever Growing that brings.

Parenting Clubs

2011-08-04T21:32:00.001-04:00
this week Luke and I were initiated into yet another parenting "club" that you don't know exists until you are already a member. Things like having gone through labor and delivery, registering for a baby, finding and having your child go to child care, putting together toys late late at night on Christmas eve, cleaning up child vomit at 2 in the morning...all things that most parents you know have done but don't know there is this secret camaraderie about it until you have done it yourself.

This week was not a fun one to join. The my kids fell off something club. The club where there are bruises, and guilt. In our case there was also an ambulance ride and ct scans.

Sophie. Little phie, rolling innocently off of our 3 foot high bed onto the wood floor at camp. I wasn't there. She was in the care of the babysitter, but it could have happened to anyone. We all put her there, not remembering that he little 10 pound 6 month old body rolls like the waves so casually.

She landed face down and bumped her head.

I called the doctor and the doctor said (no more monkeys jumping on the bed?) that because of her age she should go to the ER.

So I took my smiley little baby girl to the gettysburg ER (read: the first aid station). Everything was fine they said. She's acting normal. Look for this, and this, and this. If those happen than worry.

But those didn't happen. However what did happen was her soft spot on the top of her head started to swell and bulge. That can't be good. Luke took her back at 9 that night.

After a CT scan (which they "usually don't do to someone so young unless it is worrisome enough". Apparently this was), and a lot of waiting they wanted to send her to Hershey Childrens Hospital. The big guys. The ones who take kids that no one else knows what to do with.

So I joined them and we headed up in the ambulance at 2:30 in the morning. Scared as anything at what the next couple of hours could bring.

We saw the neuro surgeon. The pediatric trauma specialist. and Two other ER doctors.
All came and felt the soft spot, looked at the CT scans. All came to the same conclusion that the swelling is really bad, but she's acting fine. So we were discharged.

And the only thing that we came home with was a huge sigh of relief and a night of absolutely no sleep.

So we joined the club. It is amazing how supportive people were. And how many of the parents I have talked to since who have told me stories of going through the same thing. Ok, not the same thing, ours seemed to be on the scarier side, but still the worry and torture of seeing the little helpless one they love suffer through.

Every parent joins the club. Members only.

And I think we should come up with a really cool secret handshake.

Half a Year.

2011-07-17T08:49:00.000-04:00

So much has happened in half a year.

It is only six months. But what a change life can throw you in six months.

She came to us 6 months ago today.

Our family of three became a family of four.

It is crazy to imagine life without our Phie.

Just this week she started sleeping in her own room.
The other night I was in my bed looking at where the basinet resided for the last six months and tried to imagine life before that cradle was even there.

Impossible.

She has become such a vital, irreplaceable part of our family.

And so much growing has taken place.

Milestone after precious milestone.

Growing (kind of).

Developing.

And if the first six have brought us this, What about the next six?

and the six after that?

crazy to think about.

Thank you little sweet phie.

for the laughs.

late nights.

growth.

memories.

and so many more to come.

adjustments.

2011-07-09T21:14:00.000-04:00

This summer has been a crazy whirlwind.

Being up in the air about moving.
Having amazing vacations that make me miss my family more.
Adjusting to life at Camp and what that means for a 22 month old and a 5 month old.

Crazy.
never resting.
exciting.
draining.
beautiful.

Its life. I feel like life with kids always has these words attached. There are peaceful moments, but never peaceful moments strung together. they just drift in and out amidst the crazy, busy, draining times.

Camp has been the biggest adjustment of all. and following the kind of vacation you never want to come back from--just hard. Naps don't happen on a regular basis. Holding hot, sticky, cranky babies. Balancing work and "home." Letting go while another person takes care of my babies.

I don't know if I totally thought about all of these things.

But we're 5 weeks in, going on 6, and its happening. It is becoming our norm. The crazy is starting to settle into routine. The rain settles the dust and brings us peaceful moments amid chaos. Our dust is settling with half of the summer left.

We still don't know when we're moving, but it'll happen eventually. And so for now we wait.
And enjoy having two homes.

I have had a great deal of an "unselttled" feeling this summer. With this comes great creative energy. While I've been able to expend some of this through the crafts each day-it doesn't seem to satisfy. I'm ready to get back to my shop. I'm ready to pick up the needles. I'm ready to discuss theological issues again. I'll be ready for you fall. For now I melt wine bottle in the kiln, and tie off seed beads. Trying hard to be present where I am. Channeling last summer, I'm learning to be comfortable in my uncomfortableness.

And I always have this...

My apologies..

2011-06-28T22:00:00.000-04:00
My apologies, devoted readers. I have been a horrible blogger. Through 2 beach trips and the start of camp life has been a great adventure as of late.

The girls are *starting* to adjust to life in a one bedroom un- air-conditioned cabin. Getting up early and naps have obviously been the hardest part (aren't they always the parts? Ugh).

But overall it has been a really great start to the summer. After the pictures are pulled off the ole' SD I'll share with you the greatness of the beach trips.

Until then, enjoy the sun and heat while it's here. Happy summer!

Inspiration.

2011-05-20T08:43:00.001-04:00

I don't know if it is the change of seasons.
Or the end of class.
Or being a now mama of two...

but oh man, has my creative inspiration sky rocketed.

I just want to make and create...

all the time.

and so I have. Lovely, fun, cute, girly things.

Mostly flowers.

I made so many I decided to share.

studiosolla.etsy.com

I hope you like what you see because I so very much enjoyed making them...

Mama Day.

2011-05-08T22:03:00.000-04:00

Today was my second mother's day as an actual mama.

and this year I became a mama for a second time.

When I was younger I never thought to much about Mother's day. I knew we always went to church. I have vague memories of breakfasts in bed, and dad buying gifts "from us" to give to mom.

I just simply never though much about it then.

and in Retrospect-What was I thinking??

I absolutely adore my kids. I couldn't by any stretch of the imagination think about life without them (or with different ones...). But holy cow is it nice to have a day where it is specifically recognized all that it takes to be a mother?

And so, sorry mom. That my young mind did not appreciate this day as much as I should have.
I'm sorry I never picked out the presents, and that my crafts made in school for you were not more spectacular.

Because you know what?? Every single mom deserves to know how much she is needed. loved. appreciated.

(and this happens in my life now. it makes my heart smile...)

And my small and still young brood pulled out all the stops for this very new to mamahood girl.

It all started with Sophie waking up extra early to get the first "happy mother's day" in.

Ok, she was just hungry.

But sitting in the still dim living room at 5 am nursing and nurturing my newest little is something that I try to love and appreciate as I know these moments are fleeting.

And then the older little brought me breakfast in bed. A perfectly handcrafted pancake (made by dah-ee) and we sat in bed together and ate.

It was a magical time in which I can look into the future a bit and see my girl helping to put some crumbs into my much too clean sheets and enjoying each others company.

Church at my home congregation (finally...), and a picnic lunch.

All beautiful and exactly where I needed to be and what we needed to be doing to celebrate this normal but out of the ordinary Sunday.

And then they gave me their present. This one not facilitated by dah-ee.
This one was one of their own doing.

For the first time in three and a half months, they napped.

At the same time.

And I cuddled under the blankets in my bed.

and slept.

for one hour and 32 minutes.

And that was the best present I could ever have asked for.

Thanks, girls. Thanks daddy. It was the best day ever.

The 7 year itch...

2011-04-12T20:35:00.000-04:00
Cpe. Clinical pastoral education. I was told by my wise supervisor that one unit, 10 weeks, take a full 7 years to fully process. I thought that was rubbish. 7 years? Seven YEARS? No.

Lately I have found this to be coming true for me. Last summer I spent my required CPE unit at a retirement community. I met lots of folks, and truly learned a lot to help me in my futu ministry.

I was, however, going through the first hormone filled, nauseous, exciting, confusing first trimester of my second pregnancy.

Tis was focued on a lot, and was constantly involved in everything I did. I then ended my unit and was forced to face. The pregnancy full on and start school 1 week later. My processing stopped, I just wanted to forget about CPE and all that I saw, said, anylyzed. Put it behind me. I was facing Greek and growing a new life. So that's what I did.

But here's the thing. You can't. CPE isn't that easy (in more ways than one).

Recently as the newborn haze is dispersing and I'm facing the summer one year later. I would be starting my unit a little over a year and a month ago. I see my unit-mates around the halls and it comes flooding back. The emotion of bible studies planned and carried out, the analyzation of each others' preaching, and all of the group times and the things said that will never leave that sacred place. Sometimes I want to just sit with them, remember, and process. But that's not how the system works. Thats not how the system should work. We did the group time. The group was over the moment we walked out of those doors the last day that we looked forward to so very much. We left that group with Alan, Doris, Vivian, and George. In that sacred space.

And so now I am left to process and figure it out on my own. How my experience in that place with those people fits into my life experience and my ministry.

And now, one year later, I only have 6 more years to go.

one of those days.

2011-03-22T16:16:00.000-04:00

Today I was having one of those days.
One of those days that I like to think all new moms have in their first couple of months with a new life
The kind of days where it is just too much. Too much love, too much exhaustion, too much life.
The kind of days where I hate breastfeeding, I just want her to be ok if I put her down for 1 minute so I can wash the drool/spit combo that is on my pant leg (the same pants I have been wearing for two days by the way). The kind of day that is overwhelming and the kind of day that no one really gets to ready for because no one talks about those days.

that was my day this morning.
There was a lot of rushing around all morning, juggling the fussy baby/toddler combo as I was trying to get stuff ready to take Ella to her 18 month check up.
18 months? yeah, and she just turned 19 months last week.
19 months?? Already?? Weren't we just turning around her car seat and driving to her first birthday party? Wasn't that just yesterday?

It was my first time alone with my big-little since a couple of days before littlest was born.
over 9 weeks now.

and man, did I miss her.
"wak, wak mum" was all she said.
She just wanted to walk.
The one time I could carry her without worrying about the car seat filled with a tiny human in the other hand and all she wanted was to "wak"

and so she did. Everywhere we went this morning she wak-ed.

my big-little.

I've been feeling nostalgic lately for her first months of life.
Such a happy/scary time.

all of the firsts. Smiles, sitting up, crawling, cereal...

They always say it goes so quickly.

and guess what?

it does.

This picture was taken the afternoon that she got her 2 month shots.

today she got her 18 month shots.
There was still the screaming, but as she clung to me in her koala-like way she does at the doctor, I couldn't help but get a little choked up at how far we've come.

my little Ella Monster.

au natural..

2011-03-18T13:24:00.000-04:00

Two months in.
As we move further away from that beautiful Monday, I find myself reflecting on her entrance into the world. Wanting to hold on to the feelings of that grand entrance, but also ready to let it go. To forget the pain and the hours spent in that recycled-air hospital room. But to me, it is also important to remember the beauty of the moment, to hold on to that feeling of the first moment. To be able to relive those to her when she is older.

As I read through my usual blogs, there is a disproportionate amount of fellow mamas having kids in the past couple of month. I also feel myself drawn to new moms and their birth stories (as I think many new moms are while trying to process the overwhelming-ness of the situation).

There is a strange phenomenon that goes along with processing labor and delivery.
And that is pain medication.

If one went through labor "naturally" it is said. One of the first things. As in, "This is Sally, she was born 9 lbs 12 ounces after 30 hours of completely medication free labor"
Awesome. good for you. It is hard, and you are amazing for going through that.

But why is that so important that it is stated in the introduction of your child?

I know you're proud. I understand it. I had that too.
With Ella I did the natural birth thing. I had the midwife, our 'birth plan' included no pain meds. Although through the induction process I regretted this decision considerably, I did it. And to be honest, when it was all said and done I was pretty proud of myself.
I however, don't think I ever inserted that fact into my introduction.

With S, I went in knowing what to expect just a little bit more. I also went in knowing that I wanted pain management medication. And I have to say, the birth was a whole lot less traumatic and a very much more rewarding experience even though I did not have the pride that comes along with going au natural.

It amazes me that people can birth without medication over and over, I am not one of those people. Medication helped me enjoy the experience. Medication helped me heal faster afterward, both physically and especially mentally. Medication helped me be able to tell my daughter I loved her before she was 4 months of age which is different than with my first daughter.

I have always said that I am happy that I experienced an epidural free birth. I'm glad and proud to know that I can do it like women have done childbirth for thousands of years. I do, however, not wish to repeat that experience.

And so I will smile and congratulate the women who go through this experience and do it through pain management of the mind and not medicine. You are amazing. But so are all of the women who use the technology that has been developed for this experience. Birth is truly an amazing thing, and all women should be proud of that accomplishment.

struggles. and victories.

2011-03-14T16:10:00.000-04:00

It has been quite a roller coaster in these parts. I was sick, and then Luke was sick. Both of which are the lay out on the couch can't move, please keep the babies away sick. Then Sophie had her burst of reflux. The silent kind. the painful, no relief, all I can do is whimper-scream kind. She suffered. I cried. And finally called the doctor when she was inconsolable for 4 whole hours one evening.

Reflux indeed. The culprit? probably dairy. Since then, a week and a half ago, I have been completely dairy free. Which essentially is vegan (with meat. and eggs.). Quite the adjustment, but the littlest is starting to improve. More of the smiling. less of the whimper-screaming. So we shall trudge on finding alternatives to my usual diet and enjoying the sweetest face and little frog legs.

Then Ella got what Luke had. that chest heaving, nose faucet cold. And today it was so generously passed on to me. Sweet.

We've been struggling. But that's what the beginning is all about,right? figuring it out. trial and error.

I'm still hibernating a bit. I can count the number on one hand of the times I have wrangling the girls by myself and taken them out during the day. It still scares me a little.

But the weather is getting warmer, I'm getting a little more antsy. All good signs of preparing to enjoy spring and soak up that sunshine that is inevitably on the horizon.

there have also been small victories in the past hard weeks.

First, we made it through. That is a big one!

We have somewhat of a routine going. At least for a couple of days at a time before someone decides to change it up.

Sleep has been coming easier-the biggest of all! Still not there yet, but our 8 week old is a champ and could be so much worse!

So as I nurse this cold (and my littlest), I'll dream of spring and the warmth and fresh air that come along with it.

Top baby Blog

2011-02-18T10:29:00.000-05:00
Hello Friends!

Please click below to vote for from here to maternity as top baby blog!

(and click on the button on the right side every time you visit!)

vote!

thanks :)

Where we are

2011-02-14T20:06:00.001-05:00

today we are here.
we are exactly four weeks in and the newborn haze has descended.
We are at the place where going out is so taxing that it is time to spend at home.
Where the outside temperatures are so low that we hunker down and enjoy here.
where we are.

Getting to know a new family member is such a strange thing.
It is another mouth to feed, another arm full of cuddles, another warm body, another personality to discover, another human to think about.

And then there is the ever growing 18 month old.
the one who is starting to talk in simple sentences, the one who makes me laugh and want to pull my hair out all in the swing of 15 minutes.
But it is so worth it.

But we're doing it. Making it through. settling in. figuring things out. its getting easier.
(a big thanks to the moby wrap for such an amazing invention!)

And for now we're happy doing the everyday things as four.
Baking...

With extra help nowadays. And filling our house with the warm smell of brownies or bread.
Eating a home cooked meal most nights, and being thankful for the time that allows us to do that.

But with staying in, messes come too. So dealing with that is a whole other set of problems.
Trying to be patient and let the laundry not bother me, or trying not to apologize one million times every time someone comes over to offer much needed food or help.
That's what the newborn haze is about.

But then this happens.
My heart melts and my eyes fill up (residual pregnancy hormones?)
I can't help but get so excited for the years to come.
This has developed in only four short weeks. What about four years? fourteen? forty?
be still my heart. I can't even imagine.

we spend our days eating, feeding, reading, baking, loving.

playing music of all sorts...

And cuddling.

And some of us even got a mini vacation.
One weekend of attention all to herself. Walking on the beach and being loved on by Grammie and Grampie.

Just what she needed...

She was ready for it.

And patiently waiting.

This mama and her husband then got their much needed time alone with the littlest as well as a restful time of *gasp* only one kid!

I think multiple times a day, "Man, why did I ever complain about one newborn?!"

And then she cries. and won't let me put her down for four hours. and i have to walk around my house with my back screaming while she is as well.

And then I remember. oh yeah. thats why.

But this was reintroduced into my life this weekend for our valentine's dinner. ahh..

Valentine's Day is one of my favorite holidays.

A day full of love.

what Could be better, really?

and so there was lots of pink.

Including tights. which I think everyday should include, but especially Valentine's Day.

And so we celebrated by staying in. Stuffing our faces with heart shaped pancakes (mine were no where near as good as my mom's, but she had a few years experience-someday mine will be good too :) ). We all wore red or pink.

and we loved.

I don't know when the newborn haze is scheduled to lift, but I'm perfectly content if it stuck around for a couple of months.
take your time "normal" life. I don't miss you all that much.

where we were.

2011-01-24T21:25:00.000-05:00

One week ago tonight.
It is crazy to think about that. She's only been here for one week.
She fits into our family like that puzzle piece that had dropped under the couch, but after looking for a while, there it was. magically appearing and fitting in perfectly and completely.

She was only three hours old. Three hours new. and she is perfect.

After a long 9 and a half hours, she was here. Slippery, crying, beautiful.
It was a roller coaster of an emotional day. The meds helped. Family helped. Amazing nurses couldn't have made it any smoother.

The birth was beautiful. It was quick in time, only 26 minutes, but it allowed me to stay focused. To take a mental snapshot of all that happened. To feel every sensation, every emotion, and to feel it as the miracle it was. As the beauty that is often lost in birth through planning, pain relief, and impatiently waiting to move on to the next thing.

Oh no. Not this one. As much as I wanted to meet her, hold her, have her I tried hard to not let the impatience get in the way once the labor was in action. I wanted this to be an experience. An experience so unlike the last time that I wouldn't even recognize it as birth how I knew it. And it was. Support came from all around that bed, and there was love in the room instantly. Sophie was born into love, just like we wanted it.

And then there is this one.
She was there for a portion of the labor. She was there to meet her sister. Her new best friend and greatest nemesis all at once bundled up into this little human that she is trying her 17 month old hardest to understand.
And together they are amazing. completing. and mine.

We were there one week ago tonight. In love, and emotion. We were getting ready for the night in awe and fear of what this night could bring. We cuddled her over and over. We settled into uncomfortable beds. I was still in pain, but didn't mind quite as much because I had done it. An accomplishment I feared of bringing another human into this world.

The night went well, and so has this week. Has she only been here a week?
She just fits too perfectly.

We were there. and we're moving slowly towards here. Where life comes back and we are facing it with a new little girl.

Bring it on life. We're ready.

Welcome to the world, Baby Girl!

2011-01-20T12:40:00.000-05:00
On Monday, January 17 at 6:26pm we welcomed Sophia Jane into the world.

and it was beautiful.

Today will be beautiful.

2011-01-17T05:34:00.000-05:00
Today is the day my second girl will enter the world.

Its such a strange feeling knowing what is going to happen to me today. The pain, the joy. All at once, all today.

Last time I was thrust into induction so quickly that it almost didn't give me time to think. The element of surprise was almost that of going "naturally".

This time there was a lot of thinking, a lot of worrying, a lot of excitement, a lot of cleaning. And that felt good too.

But today is the day we will meet her.

and that blows my mind.

The only thing I know is my experience with E.
The only thing I know is horrible traumatizing experience in a hospital.

All I keep thinking is I want to just have her and bring her home. No waiting around in the hospital, no gross bland food, no nurses coming in every hour to check my blood pressure. No one else checking my sugar and the baby's sugar but me.

But that was my experience last time. It is the only thing I know.

So many different emotions go along with birth. It is hard to wrap them all up neatly and get on with the day.

But then again, I guess they don't have to be wrapped up neatly. They can just be.
One tar can be that of worry, the other that of pain, and the next a tear of the purest joy one can imagine.

All brought on by a little bit of pitocin and a small slippery little baby.

And today all of these emotions, every emotion and feeling from the last nine month will converge into a small being.

And today will be a beautiful day.

our nest.

2011-01-08T07:47:00.000-05:00

I think it was just the other day that it hit me.
We. are. going. to. have. a newborn.
again.
Ok, breath.
It seems silly that this hasn't been my thought (or panic?) the last nine months, but I chose to concentrate on the panic of having two. This still being an issue, but starting to get everything ready is what sent me into a real tizzy. All of the clothes, all of the spit ups, all of the phases.

In most ways I can't wait for it to happen again..

I never did the "nesting" thing with EM. We were displaced, I was working at camp, trying to figure out moving, scared of starting my seminary education. Too much to think about, I didn't need to nest, I just needed to be SOMEWHERE.
This time has been different. Classes ended, we're stuck inside with the cold and snow. EM and I cuddling under blankets and reading Alien Al for the millionth time. I've had some time to think, and some time to nest.
And I've gotten to this point.
The point where she is sitting so low we think over and over all day, "Maybe it'll be today. Maybe we'll be holding her by tonight." We go through an hour or two of contractions and then they stop. We watch my sugar numbers plummit to regular numbers and know it just has to be soon.
I've gotten to the point where I don't want to even go out of the borough limits, I'm just fine right here, thank you.
I have all I need. And now that daddy is home from work for the weekend and there is a fresh, clean layer of snow-why should the three and a half of us even leave our house?

our nest.

We still have somethings to do.
Like, you know, set up some sort of nursery.
Or pack at least an outfit for the hospital.

But being in our nest is the most important.

I've never been such a homebody.
I go through phases, but I'm more of a "roamer" always looking for the next place to go.

But this weekend I'm fine where I am. I'm home. I'm in my own nest, nursing contractions and playing the waiting game.

quilt for number 2 is now finished. I can't wait to wrap her in its purpleness!

The back will get packed. before we go.

and the nursery already has some wall details...

She has something to wear home (and today it will be washed and ready...hopefully..)

And we have the larger diaper bag that will hold two little girls' worth of stuff.

And grammie is coming tomorrow to ease the fears of things getting done and to play with EM while she is the only child.

As for me, I'm soaking it all up. Every minute of waiting (albeit sometimes impatiently), every last wiggle, and every last time EM wraps her little arms around my big belly.

and I'm doing fine just being in
our nest.

new year, new hair.

2011-01-05T21:25:00.000-05:00

So I did it. The "dreaded" first hair cut.

My first born is officially rat tail free.

I never felt the connection to her hair, of like a piece of her is gone because the awful, long chunk of hair that was really only cool circa 1981 is gone. but I can see how parents can get sentimental. That soft little tuft-its an original, man. There will never be another "first hair cut" and those originals will now be replaced with seconds and thirds.

That soft wispy baby hair is turning into big girl hair.

But man, was it freeing to take those scissors (unceremoniously before church on Sunday because I just couldn't stand it anymore.) and get that almost mullet to be just a little more stylish in baby fashion world.

Most couldn't even see it, but it drove me crazy, and our house is now free of the rat tail.

And so ends the saga of cut or don't cut.

I didn't keep the lock, although let's be honest, I felt the strong need to capture it on film...

we call this Monkey Full of Spaghetti. Photo by daddy.

And with that we pass into another stage of her childhood. This time with a little less hair.

for auld lang syne.

2011-01-01T12:43:00.000-05:00

The first day of 2011.
We've spent a lot of time lately reminiscing on the newly ended year.
I spent the morning at a BYObaby breakfast with the girls and the kids, and wow, to think about how that got me through. It was those wednesdays or fridays that got me through some of the hard times. It was being able to talk to people who understand that helped me get through each week. They were such a big part of my year, I couldn't have gotten through without them.
And so it seemed fitting to spend half of the last day of the year doing it again.

And then its back home, where remnants of the holidays still remain...

Christmas presents have yet to be put away.

Its like we're still holding on, hoping they continue. Because, lets face it, for this family January seems like a scary month that will also be filled with love, joy, and peacefulness. But holy cow, how scary it still is...

Trying to hold onto the last year is useless. Every time I look down at my ever expanding belly, and overly swollen feet I am reminded, time marches on.

And so we move from presents and lights on the tree to waiting as patiently as we can for warm baby cuddles and getting to know the new little.

What a way to start the year.

And for the first day of our year we spent it in jammies. Together. Sleeping in a little bit (heaven!), and enjoying a brunch together. The three and a half of us.

So "scrambled omelets" it is.

yummy, and GD friendly!!

Warm toes, warm coffee...

And talking about resolutions for the new year upon us.

Eagerly anticipating what amazing things it can bring...

Happy New Year, Friends.

the best time of the year..

2010-12-28T09:22:00.000-05:00

Christmas seemed extra special this year.
Lots of "firsts" and so much celebrating.

EM was overwhelmed with most (wouldn't you be?), but handled it as best as a 16 month old trying to get over strep throat can.

(and the cookies helped...)

L and I stayed up extra late on Christmas eve building her first big Christmas present, a "retro" pink play kitchen.

There was eggnog (for him), hot tea (for me), lots of tools, some cursing and lots of excitement for how she would like it.
I was bubbling over.
I've been waiting to give this to her for a couple of months now, and it was finally here.
We hadn't built it earlier for lack of storage space, but also because we knew that we were just as excited to see it as we were anticipating her to be.

And then Christmas morning came.
And she slept in for maybe the first time in her life, just because we were up super early anticipating the day.

and then the moment came.
(I was so excited that all of the pictures were blurry)

but here it is...that face.
Ok, so it turned more into a "what in the world is that?" than the anticipated "yayyyyyyy!"
But Pooh was there to protect her from this big pink THING, and hey, this could be fun.

She walked near the kitchen, taking a closer look, testing the waters.
Then she kept going. We thought maybe she wouldn't like it.
But she walked right over to the lamp table, carefully placed pooh on it, and approached the kitchen.

and then it happened...She was hooked.
She spent much of the morning filling the play fridge with her toys.
I guess they needed to stay fresh..

and then our little helper took her mama's stocking, and started filling that with her toys.

why thank you, little girl.

The day was spent with family.
As Christmas should be.
Not too much hoopla this year, just family.

And it was the best time of the year..

And now, we move on from the presents and the lights into the winter. Where cuddling and warm houses amidst flurrying snow flakes abound.

We move on to number 2 and the growth of our family.

This year.

2010-12-22T08:40:00.000-05:00

This year has been different than others. Chasing a toddler definitely adds a new view point. Carrying around another little girl waiting to meet the world adds a new view. And just all that has happened in life in the past year always puts a new spin on things.

I have been done Christmas shopping (save for the 2 gift cards I need to run out tomorrow and purchase) since the end of October.

What can I say, we planned ahead. Knowing that this December would be different form most with the impending birth of no. 2, and not wanting to lug EM everywhere, Amazon was my bff.

And I could go on forever about how much I love Amazon.

We also decided that simply enjoying the season sans the outlets or walmarts and the frustration that comes with that.

(and just so you know, all of our gifts have yet to be actually wrapped...)
But I'd say that we've been very proactive in enjoying the Advent season.
and seeing it through the eyes of a 16 month old has been a really amazing experience.

She can't get enough of the tree. Always going over to it and gingerly touching the ornaments that she knows are hers. Pointing to each individual light and having a conversation about it in which only she knows the language.

She loves the Christmas books that have appeared on her bookshelf, and the small tree in her room is her nightlight as she goes into toddler dreamland.

This is totally her holiday.
And I get almost as excited as she does when I think about giving her the big gift this year. Knowing that she'll love it and the joy that it will bring to her.

truly magical.

still giving thanks

2010-12-21T21:28:00.000-05:00

Even though the next holiday is quickly approaching, the month of December got away from me with all of the mounds of homework and papers. That is all behind me now, and it is on to preparing for family to arrive and celebrating the close of yet another year.

But when unloading my camera, it was so fun to go back and relive the amazing thanksgiving we spent in Rehoboth basking in the glow of togetherness.

We started the day like every Thanksgiving with the first peppermint mocha of the season and a walk on the beach.

EM couldn't get enough of the sand and the water.

But for pictures, this was the only thing that could keep her happy.

iconic Rehoboth. (and reminicingly enough, it was this very sign that connected me to no less than two residents this summer during CPE.)

lots of food. really good food...

and then it was time to say goodbye to the waves and the sand for a while. EM cried when she left. We knew then that she is definitely a part of L and I.

Next time we return it will be as a family of four.

and that is definitely something to be thankful for.

My life. In numbers.

2010-12-13T15:43:00.000-05:00
Currently I am/have...

34 weeks pregnant.
4 class periods left.
1 in-class final.
15 more pages of papers to write.
slept for 5 hours last night.
6 contractions during my nst this morning.
0 work done on the nursery
5 loads of laundry to do
2 christmas presents to buy
4 days until freedom
4 days until I am once again a full time stay at home mama
100 Percent full of seasonal cheer and optimism.

I'll take NST's for 1000, Alex.

2010-11-29T12:52:00.000-05:00
I promised pictures and thanksgiving remembering, and they will come.

But first this morning happened. I was floating along blissfully in my vacation haze that still hadn't lifted, knitting little leg warmers out of soft cotton for little soon to be legs (well, I guess they're already there, I feel them in my ribs. but not in the world yet..) when I should have been working on one of the 7 or 8 papers I have due in the next 3 weeks. But my vacation hadn't ended yet. I willfully spent every minute of yesterday cooped in my home, playing with a little girl who only smiles and giggles and is very much into cuddling at the moment.

This morning I had a dr. appt. Just a normal, now every-two-weeks doctor's appointment. It went fine, I added a row or four onto those little leg warmers, I was right now with my weight (at least where they want me to be). Feeling the baby move? yup. Any pain or pressure? nope. It's all good. Then it happened. Not something too major, I assumed it would happen sometime soon-the non stress tests were ordered.

Already? at 32 weeks? I thought I had until at least 34.

Wait, whats that you say? Another ultrasound too? Oh and fluid checks every week?
AND nst's twice a week?

Hold up. thats a LOT of appointments. Starting today? yup. thats what she said.

So I marched my way over (ok, I had to drive) to the hospital, where after wondering around I found the maternity floor (at least I know where that is now..) and was strapped up. Now NST's are bad. they just strap these two dopplers to your ever growing preggo belly and monitor the baby's heart rate/movement and contractions until they get what they need. This could take 20 minutes, and this could take an hour and 20 minutes. And all along the mama just sits there, with the bed at an uncomfortable angle, and presses a little jeopardy button everytime she feels a kick.

And of course, because I really really needed to get back and work on some papers before class this after, Number2 took a good 1.5 hours to get what we needed. And this included 16 ounces of ice water, 3 graham crackers, and a buzzer that vibrates and emits a high pitched noise that is supposed to "wake her up". Whew.

During this very long, very slow process I got to listen to that little girls heartbeat the whole time. This is an amazingly calming experience. I suggest if ever you are stressed, just listen to an in utero baby's heartbeat. Ahh....

Also during this time however, the contraction measuring Doppler measured my contractions. Apparently, as they tell me, there were many and they were very regular. A little too regular for the liking of my doctor. And so I was checked. Everything is where it should be at 32 weeks, but I was checked. and checked again after I felt one more. This took away all of the stress relieving qualities of listening to the heartbeat.

This happened with EM too, exactly the same thing. Exactly. This doesn't worry me, but apparently it worried them. I go back for my scheduled nst on Thursday, I fully expect words like bed rest to be thrown around. This is my biggest fear. There was no mention today, but they seemed a little too worried.

This was not a huge event this morning, just a lot more than I bargained for. The vacation haze, instead of lifting slowly like its supposed to was vacuumed away with a really loud and really powerful shop vac and I was thrust back into the world of stress and fear. Awesome.

So then I went to panara.
Thank you, decaf skim peppermint mocha for bringing just a little bit of bliss back into my world.

full of thanks(giving)

2010-11-28T21:08:00.001-05:00
We're back on the ridge, slowly unpacking both dirty clothes and Christmas decorations. Spending most of this lazy first day of Advent holed up in our little world before we're pushed back into the grind of things and back to busy for the next couple of weeks.

I'm enjoying this one more night.

Pictures will be here once the madness starts again...

weekending.

2010-11-16T21:41:00.000-05:00

You know when you have nothing and everything to do all at once? When there is a million and one things on your to do list, yet nothing is as important as living in the moment your are experiencing at that time? The stars align perfectly for a afternoon of jammies, blankets, cuddly babies, and colored pencils?

Yeah, we had one of those weekends.

There was napping and giggling...lots and lots of giggling. We've been having that a lot lately. And what a joyous sound it is.

We also cooked. I think cooking is good for the soul. Nothing was especially good, or bad for us. Just good for the soul. Sharing the tiny kitchen space, sizzling skillet, baby chasing the dog at our feet.

sounds like the ending to a girly movie.

and it felt like that. only better.

and out of it came our first refrigerator art.

and they keep on living happily ever after...

THE question.

2010-11-09T16:21:00.000-05:00
every morning I make coffee for the community's enjoyment. It is my job. I must be there. Sometimes there are people there in the morning, others I work alone. I cherish both kind of days.

But with the gamble of it being in a public place, there are some days filled with awkward conversation that I am forced to engage in with no way out from behind the counter.

The other day I was forced to partake in such a conversation...

"Good Morning, Kelly."
"Oh, hi, good morning"

"blarhdblahredlhalkejh?"
(when right next to the machine, I cannot hear ANYTHING people. Its HARD to carry on a cohesive conversation while trying to brew..)
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Are you planning to breastfeed your child?"

BAM!

there it is. A dreaded, personal question that many women get while pregnant. Although with no. 2 I have gotten quite a few of the rude, "Already? were you trying?" and "Already? Are you insane?" I have gotten the breastfeeding question an unusual amount.

two things.
1. How is that your first question after saying hello at 7:53 in the morning on a Friday?
2. I don't know you that well. Does my choice on how and what to feed my child really concern or affect you in the least?

I know, I know. I may be overreacting. But on this subject, I am super sensitive. With monkey it was hard. They tell you its hard, but I don't think any new mother truly understands WHAT that mean. Not just pain with the actual act, but pain after birth, trying to get to know this new life, your whole life upside down, trying to juggle visitors, wanting to show off your new little, while also wanting to hole up in your house forever and never have to deal with the world outside again.

My experience was one of pain, tears, support of family, and infection. Horrible infection that I was not prepared to deal with the week after giving birth and having a traumatic experience.

After 3 weeks, I entertained the thought. Just the thought, formula would be so much easier. But it is people who are the same type of people who ask me early on a Friday morning who make it such a horribly difficult decision. I cried about this for days. Went to the trusty Internet to find out if I would kill my child by feeding them formula (and according to some, the answer was yes...). I discussed it with my husband for 8 days straight. I would cry and its pretty much all I talked and thought about.

In the end, the pain and tears seemed to be hurting my baby more than the other. I would risk death by formula in order to be able to better mother my child.

And guess what?

We had a great time together for the last 14 months, getting to know each other and having her get to share feeding with her daddy as well.

I have a strange connection to getting it right this time. Maybe it is the close to $7,000 we spent on formula in the last year. Maybe it is the helping of losing the baby weight. Maybe it is the antibodies (although, news flash, formula will NOT kill your child). But I'll do it. It will be done.

*Steps off of soapbox*

Rockin' Out

2010-11-03T17:33:00.000-04:00

It's just a chair.

a steal for $2 at the Y's nearly new sale.

The arms are a little loose.

It looks like it has been painted one million and two times.

I've had to hammer in some nails and staples that were sticking out.

We don't REALLY have a place for it in our living room. So it moves around systematically throughout the day to provide the space needed.

But to her, it is the best toy ever. It opens up a whole new world of big-girl-ed-ness.
To her, at the moment, its everything.

Its where she sits to watch tv.

And by watch tv I clearly mean she steals the remote and changes all of the settings.
Included but not limited to turning on the closed captioning. And then turning all words to spanish. and then turning the characters to speaking in spanish. and then turning on the sleep timer.

then she watches for approximately 1 minute 43 seconds...

then she's bored and back on the move.

climbing up and down.

up and down.

rocking as hard as she can.

just sitting and smiling knowing that she got up there all by herself.

And what a "big girl" she is.

Rock on, sweet girl.

Hellloooo November!

2010-11-01T09:42:00.000-04:00

We said Goodbye to October this weekend with lots of fun community things!

Luther Bowl 2010

Ecumenical football? yes.
Crisp fall air? yes.
Freezing cranky toddler? yes.

But fun no less!

We even watched daddy score a touchdown.

This hat came out of a thursday mama freak out when thinking about what the weekend would hold and looking at the weather forecast. 43 degrees? and we're supposed to be playing the first two games of the day? and E doesn't have any hats that fit her?

Off to the yarn store. And this is what came out of it.

A big hit with me, her, and other spectators of the game!

And then Happy Halloween!

The perfect monkey suit for our little monkey.

(thank you, YWCA nearly new sale. You saved us for the second year in a row. can't beat the $1.50 price tag!)

And now we move onto November and all of the eating and celebrating that Nov. entails.

Bring it, month 11!

Feast, Famine and breathing.

2010-10-27T09:08:00.000-04:00

Something I've learned in my almost 1.5 years in seminary is that feast or famine prevails.

Either there is nothing do, or 6 ten page papers due by 10 am tomorrow (drop box AND hard copy).

Fortunately (or possibly unfortunately...) reading days usually hits smack dab in the famine.

And so we rejoice, we relax, and we breathe.

and this past vaca, the girl got together for some fabulous time...and painted pottery.

We drove, we picked out our piece, our colors and sat for 2 hours catching up while creating

in the midst of feast, I often feel as if I lose my creative spark, or just my motivation, or simply my TIME to create. But for me and my person it is a vital part of my being.

So this day made my heart smile :) Thanks, girls.

And so many beautiful colors surrounding us, 90s pop blasting from the speakers overhead and some general commiserating on how horrible the feast times feel.

And so my mug was done. My pregnancy mug. inspired and grateful that I could commemorate this amazing time in my life that I feel gets left to the wayside as reading piles up and the empty word document sits in front of me ready for some analyzing of theology. This is my reminder as I spend my mornings dreaming of no. 2 and trying to imagine how different my life will be come January. Amazing, my friends.
(p.s. that is indeed my first try at yummy homemade biscotti. Delish..but shh, don't tell Glenda.)

And summer has officially ended with the receiving of our last CSA share.

I can't say I'm too disappointed. It was a pain to pick up each week due to the time needed, and we didn't get enough to make it worth it. I'm glad we could support a local farm, but will probably go somewhere else next CSA season.

And with a slight blip of non-class days I can sit, drink my own coffee (you know, the excellent made at home kind with a few grounds at the bottom that at first your grossed out by but then realize that it just means YOU brewed it. And it is Delicious..), eat a small piece of the biscotti (shh..don't tell Glenda) and take a breath.

And when its all gone, I'm left with this sweet reminder of the little girl resting up before her grand entrance into the world.

(p.s. We picked the perfect name. Only 1 week after I made the mug so it really will be a secret until she arrives. And I can't wait...)

PJ Mondays

2010-10-25T15:46:00.000-04:00

I think we can all agree that Monday morning comes too soon.

After a family packed weekend of long battlefield walks, lazy afternoon naps with football playing in the background and long warm baths ending with soft J&J smelling baby hair and pruny toes...

Monday morning comes too soon. Threatening to tear our family apart in regards to time for 5 more days until the next weekend grants us its presence.

And so we use Monday morning to spread the love just a little longer. We stay in our Pjs.

We read lots of books.

We play with our new favorite fall balloon.

And giggle our heads off when it is let go an floats to the ceiling above.

We read "Brown Bear" 4 thousand times, loving up the green frog and the goldfish the most.

She learns a love of books, and learns which shelves are hers and which contain mama's theology books (although she'll usually listen through a page or two of those too.)

With no. 1, I did not experience the "pregnancy brain" as it is called. This time however, whole other story.

I found 3 of the dishes I was putting away when unloading the dishwasher in the fridge.

I have completely forgotten about no less than two assignments (this seems to be the most dangerous)

And when faced with another bout of the MRSA, taking the meds was a nightmare.

After forgetting completely for almost two days in a row, I decided a reminder system needed to be put into place.

Each time is written on a stickie. Then when taken, the stickie is moved.

Worked pretty well, and I think I finished an antibiotic for maybe the second time in my life (horrible I know.)

Fall is in full swing.
The colors are getting me this year.

We love when grammie V comes for so many reasons, but this past time the gift of fall was the best part.

Happy Monday!

there is a season...

2010-10-19T21:18:00.001-04:00

I. love. autumn. I have never felt this strongly about a season. Especially the one that means going back to school. And getting dark early. And getting cold.

Well, folks, not this year. I LOVE it! I love the cider and the apples. I love the oranges, reds, and yellows that adorn the trees outside and the decorations in my house. I love the sweaters we get to wear and the crisp air in the morning when I'm up early brewing coffee for the community. I love it all.

We're trying our hardest to soak up all fall-like activities. The crunchy leaves on our daily walk and the festivals and activities that are offered when the weather dips below sweat inducing.

how did I not love this season before?

I have to wonder if part of it is getting to experience it with a kid. Everything is new to her. She was around last year, but it took until the end of November before the very new parent haze started to lift and I even knew what day of the week it was let alone the season.

So this year we soak up every new experience she has and it is like we're experiencing it for the first time again.

Beautiful. autumn.

every morning.

2010-10-11T19:40:00.000-04:00
Every morning around 7:28 I go in with L to go "wake up" the monkey (even though shes been up and talking quietly to herself since 6:45). I see her smile, I give her a kiss and then it is that time. I head out the door to brew some warm coffee while her Dad gets her ready, feeds her, and ships her off to daycare.

Some days are longer than others, but I spend much of each one waiting to see her and wishing I was not where I am but at home in my yoga pants with her.

I have started to very much look forward to the next semester. EM and number two and me. Home. all day. cuddling, playing, eating, discovering. I know that it is exhausting. I know that this feeling will probably last for a whole one week, but that one week will be bliss. I can feel it in my bones.

So each day this semester, as I soak up as much Theological knowledge that I can possibly handle, and stay up late reading, and worrying about when the next paper is know, I find comfort in daydreaming about next semester. When on Fridays I join the big world, but for the other days I'm just mom. I'm just taking in all that infancy and toddlerhood have to offer and looking at the world a little differently.

next semester will be great.

The way I see it.

2010-10-01T21:00:00.000-04:00

So heres the thing. I really love being pregnant.

Don't get me wrong, there are times when I misjudge the belly knocking a bowl off the counter and breaking it, or carrying my 22 pound toddler up the stairs again because I forgot my grocery list. But overall it is amazing.

I love to watch my belly grow. I love the bumps and kicks I get throughout the day that are just mine and her secret. I love that I'm never alone, there is always another person with me. I love how empowered I feel. I love how close I feel to my Creator as my body creates.

gestating is a wonderful, amazing thing.

And though it is a Lot different the second time around with a different life and number one running on high energy at all times, it is just another new experience I can chalk up to motherhood.

I have been doing a lot of the picture above though, I have to admit. The toddler tornado comes through about 4 times per day after I clean up after her, and I'm learning to just let it be as difficult as that is. The dishes don't get done enough, dirty (and clean for that matter) clothes are laying in pile around my house. But I'm enjoying it. Trying to stretch out these last four months that I have her all to myself. Soaking up every punch, every kick, every twinge of round ligament pain, every moment.

Friday Afternoon.

2010-09-17T16:21:00.000-04:00

It is 4:17 on Friday afternoon.

The little and I have been in our PJs for 2 hours now.

That is our friday afternoon.

Both of us had naps.

we discussed names for her new baby sister.

we spent time in the kitchen together making the first pumpkin cookies of the season.

EM is now eating applesauce. Thats right, you heard it APPLE sauce. It seems that her apple allergy has mostly gone away, and she can thankfully enjoy the fruits (hehe) of adams county fall.

She walks around with her bottle of oregano...

(it provides a good shaking sound from her spice cabinet. Not as good as the cinnamon sticks, but those have bee lost for days. Oregano will have to do..)

Friday afternoons in fall.

soaking it all in.

Drum roll please...

2010-09-11T22:05:00.001-04:00
Baby blueberry is a GIRLLL!

I couldn't be more happy. I honestly was ready for either, but just knowing its a little girl swimming around in there makes me feel a whole new connection to the blueberry. Another little girl to paint her toenails and dress in ballet flats. To cuddle with and know that someday I may help her match her roommates comforter when she goes to college, help her plan her wedding, get to see her have a family.

Not that you can't do these things with a boy.

but its different. And familiar. and I'm happy.

knowing has also given me motivation to start thinking about names. To start scouring etsy for handmade knits for my January babe that I may not have time to make. To start planning a great nursery whether it makes it there by january or it is a continuous work in progress according to her personality like my first born's nursery is (and continues to be).

there is a whole new realm of connection here, friends.

and I can't wait to see how far it grows...

Sweet Summer.

2010-09-09T08:35:00.000-04:00

As the last days of summer come, we've been outside a lot. Trying to soak up every last ray of sunshine. Trying to soak up all of the life we can.

Picnic-ing has become a favorite past time.
Grab the big denim quilt, a sippy cup and a bowl of grapes.
Its not always about the spread (but sometimes I sneak out some sandwiches too), its about the outside. Being in nature, feeling "it".

Its about spending time as a family of three and anxiously awaiting the fourth member to round us back out to even.

Its about capturing moments like this, and realizing just how grown up she is becoming and trying to hold onto the little bits of early toddlerhood that we can.

Today is cooler on the ridge. Not even 70 this morning. And its not just "camp morning" cool. it is Autumn cool. Although I know this house is definitely looking forward to the coming cooler months and the sweaters, apples, and changing leaves, it is also hard to let go of her first summer. Her first experinnces of heat, humidity, swimming pools, and staying with grandparents for long bits of time. But we move on. There are more experiences to be had. And until that first leave changes to golden yellow, we'll still call it summer and enjoy it for all its worth.

So long sweet summer
I stumbled upon you and gratefully basked in your rays
So long sweet summer
I fell into you
Now you're gracefully falling away

Happy Birthday, Baby Bean

2010-09-08T19:19:00.001-04:00

A lot happened in the month of August.
Including my little peanut turning one.

a whole year.

365 days of getting to know our little EllaGirl.

365 of loving the bejeezus out of her.

365 of crying, laughing, pooping, learning, growing.

So what a celebration we had to have!

Ella enjoyed her first ride in her big girl car seat facing the front.

Skywalker and I celebrated making it through our first years as parents.

We ate yummy food...

We wore silly things, and enjoyed the last days of summer with a luau.

We Sucked every hot, sticky minute out of this summer day.

With friends.

And with our amazing, supportive family who helped us through.

All the while the birthday girl enjoyed the attention, took a nap, played in her frilly and fabulous party dress.

And blew out her lone candle on her cake.

She tried some.

But wasn't too sure what she thought.

And we partied, we told stories, and enjoyed celebrating the first year of this amazing life.

Happy Birthday, monkey.
I can't wait to see what next year will bring.

back to the grind.

2010-08-10T09:37:00.000-04:00
CPE has ended, after a lovely "graduation" anointing I am checking one more thing off the long list of experiences I must have in seminary.

and now I'm back to being a mom. E and I are spending these next few days together, cherishing them before I am off to learn greek and she is off to day care (eek!). It seems really overwhelming right now, but so did sitting on the edge of the summer and we got through.

So for these four days we are playing. We are walking. We are visiting. And most of all we are enjoying the small things. We are also working really hard on getting her first birthday Luau together. The invites are out, and the decorations are (mostly) bought. I am working on her first birthday present, and though it is a lot of tedious work, I look at what is already accomplished, and am so in love.

For now the little one is enjoying being in her own home during the day, and today enjoying it by sleeping in (9:36 and still asleep? what??). I am trying to organize life and get back on top of the million things that need done. It is an amazing week we're experiencing and I am soaking up every moment.

So long sweet summer.

2010-08-06T10:44:00.000-04:00
Four years ago I wrote this. I was getting ready to leave an intensely emotional and life altering experience. At the end of each summer for the past 10 years I have written something similar whether in Xanga, in a journal or on blogger. This summer is no different. It was a different circumstance, sure, but still an emotionally tangled, life altering, soul growing experience with people who I know have a bond that no one else in the world has with them.

Yesterday was our last official day at Bethany. Sunday we will attend all six services and say our goodbyes to the people whom we've gotten to know. Who we've served as chaplains, grandkids, spouses, daughter and son in laws, and friends to. People who we've watched cry, heard amazing war stories of all kinds, and have laughed at. People who you can count on to make you laugh. Memory support patients who take you to the lake to go swimming, take you to puerto rico and back in a day. People who keep their planes out back, and people who make you feel as if your life is a skit, and they have the script but you haven't received your copy yet. People who have made us laugh, and brought us to tears. Made our hearts ache, and made us smile. Who knows if I will ever see Gilbert and his politeness, Janet and her warming smile, Anne and her diabetes curing power, or Alan and his Jose singing again. But you know what? I wouldn't change this summer for anything.

I learned more this summer than I ever in my wildest dreams would have imagined. I learned about myself and how I can do this. I can be a chaplain. I can minister to people even when I feel helpless. I can put on a collar and not feel like I'm playing dress up (even though I definitely have learned at you can minister JUST as effectively cleric or not.). Life altering.

And now, as I try to enjoy my four days of freedom until my two weeks of intense greek happens, I quietly slip back into my role of mama. Of playing and struggles with naps. I'm on the other side of life now, and it is amazing too. I will cherish every moment i have with her, but processing the lives who have touched me this summer is also happening as I'm changing diapers and feeding bottles.

There is so much to be thankful for in this beautiful life.